Reflections
by hanakazari
Summary: Sometimes love can be found in times of need. KD.


A/N: This is more bitter than my typical KelDom fic, and also a little shorter. It still took me ages... ; I wanted to post something before I left for camp, then I could come back to all your reviews! hint hint Kel would probably seem OOC for this one, but this is the first time that she's properly mourned for human deaths, I suppose (Crown and Freckle don't count, and neither does Cleon's 'death' in her vision at the Chamber).

In Trickster's Choice, it says that the Scanran War was dragging on longer than they thought it would. So, I'm assuming that a year later, Kel is still on the Scanran border, but she's reporting to Steadfast at the moment. Hopefully that works.

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Domitan of Masbolle yawned and tipped back his chair till it rested on two legs. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. He knew that he wasn't that bad off, only being a sergeant, but paperwork still bored him stupid. Coupled with patrols, regular Scanran skirmishes and watch duties, he was glad to get it out of the way, and even gladder at the thought that it was time for lunch. The war was rubbing him raw, though he would never let anyone see that.

Packing his writing materials, Dom hurried down the crowded hallway, heading for the mess hall. However, the stern figure of Lord Wyldon stopped him halfway. "Do you know where the rooms of Keladry of Mindelan are?" he questioned abruptly, shuffling his papers.

Dom looked at him, confused. "Yes, sir."

"Then I need you to deliver these papers to her immediately. They have to be signed and sent off to Corus by this afternoon. Without delay, please," he added, pushing the papers into Dom's hands. With that, he hastened to another part of the fort.

Dom watched him go, then scowled at his back. He had never really liked Wyldon that much, even if he _was_ a good commander. Plus, he had just asked him to do servant or squire errands. Not to mention he had just stopped Dom from having his lunch.

Well, at least he had an excuse to see Kel again, Dom thought, heading reluctantly down the network of hallways. Like the other commanders, she spent a lot of her time at Steadfast doing the detested paperwork, and she preferred to get it all done in one go. She usually ate well, but if she was in the middle of paperwork, sometimes he and Raoul had to drag her out of her rooms to persuade her to eat.

He came to her room, then knocked. Dom waited for a minute, then knocked again. No answer. He glanced around uncertainly, then tried the handle of the door. It was unlocked. After all, it was unlikely that any of the men would want to sabotage her room, unlike in her page years. Dom cautiously poked his head inside and looked around, but the tidy room was deserted.

"If you're looking for Kel, she's not here," a voice said from behind him.

Startled, Dom spun around, then relaxed when he saw it was his cousin, Neal. He glared. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Meathead? You scared me!"

"I'm so sorry that I scared the brave Sergeant Domitan," Neal replied, sounding anything but sorry. "Though I really must ask, what were _you_ doing here in the first place?" His face lit up, a familiar teasing grin spreading across his face. "Is that a love letter I see in your hands?"

Dom looked cynically at the stack of papers, at least a foot high. "Oh yes, Neal, I had just so much to say that I had to use up Steadfast's entire supply of parchment just to get my feelings across," he drawled.

Neal was unfazed. "I know you did, _Domitan_," he grinned. "After all, you were never as good as me at getting your feelings across in a simple, yet beautiful poem, were you?"

Dom glared at his cousin. "I only need my fists to get my feelings about you across in a simple, beautiful manner," he was about to say, when Lord Raoul saw them and asked what exactly were they doing standing arguing in front of Kel's rooms, and didn't they have better places to be.

"I was delivering these papers to Kel, my Lord," Dom explained, before Neal could say anything.

"Well, she's not there. In fact, I don't think she's even in the fort," frowned Raoul. "She said something to me about being away for the day...Yes, that's it." He looked at the two cousins. "Do you know what day it is today?"

Dom glanced at Neal, who shook his head. "What day is it, sir?"

"Today is the day that Haven was destroyed," Raoul said simply. "Many of Haven's soldiers were killed. She wanted to remember the people who tried to protect her refugees."

There was a moment's silence, then Dom cleared his throat. "Well, Wyldon needs those papers by this afternoon. So...should I go after her?" He seemed to be asking himself, rather than the two men who stood near him.

"It would be better to leave Kel in peace for today, I suppose, but it must be pretty urgent if Wyldon wants it by this afternoon," Raoul frowned. He took the papers from Dom, flipping through them. "Yes, it's the approval for a war mage at New Hope. She'd want to see this. I think you'd better go."

Dom sighed as his stomach rumbled. "Well, then, Sir Nealan, my lord, I'd better leave if I have to reach Kel in time." He saluted Raoul, grinned at Neal's disgusted look, then headed off to saddle his mount. It seemed that lunch was eluding him today.

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It took Dom only a short while to reach the ruins of Haven. He dismounted and picketed his mare, grimly surveying the wreckage. Dom wandered around for a short while in silence, remembering the livelihoods of both soldiers and citizens who had died here. He hadn't been around long enough to know the people well, but he knew there were many good lives that been lost here.

Dom gradually picked his way through the rubble, until he found the mass graveyard that had been created when Haven was overrun. He saw Hoshi, with sparrows lined up on her mane, tethered to a post, confirming his suspicions. Dom squinted and made out the sturdy figure of Keladry standing solemnly over the grave. He knew that it had chafed her not to be able to dig separate graves for them all.

Dom made his way towards her, the paperwork forgotten. From here, he could see the small offerings Kel had made at the foot of the grave. However, she wasn't crying, just staring at the ground with a face of stone. In a way, this worried him more than ever. It seemed to him like she was holding all her emotions inside of her, refusing to let the tears fall.

"They were my responsibility, and I killed them." Kel said suddenly, without turning around.

Dom started, surprised, then came closer, until he was standing directly behind her. Kel turned around until her body faced him directly, not appearing surprised to see him. But then, he knew, Kel could, and did, tuck a lot of her feelings behind her Yamani mask. However, she seemed more focussed on talking about Haven.

"It was all because of one mistake," she said bitterly. "If I had just stayed at Haven, instead of trotting off to Steadfast, they might still be alive today." She stared at her feet, so he couldn't see what was in her eyes.

Dom stared at her, then placed a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "Every commander has to make at least one big mistake in their time, Kel," he said gently. "No one expects you to be perfect."

"But those soldiers, and the refugees, they all needed me to be." Kel replied. She sighed as she turned back to the burial. "A lot of good people are buried here, Dom. Along with the people who died on the road, all because of me. Ordinary citizens, trying to live their lives. Soldiers, serving the realm. Bandits like Gil, who decided to fight it out rather than work in the mines." Another sad smile. "All part of Tortall..."

Where was the strong and serene Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan? Dom wondered. She was sounding a lot like her best friend and pessimist, Neal. But then, she'd seen the dead bodies of people whose lives had been entrusted to her, as well as the bodies of soldiers who had died fighting for her, and her people.

"Kel, listen to me." She turned around, meeting his eyes of the first time. For a brief moment, he forgot all about what he was about to say, seeing the sadness and regret in her hazel eyes. Dom felt the urge to comfort her, to make the sorrow and bitterness go away, and just to see her face light up in joy or mirth again. He gave a small shake of his head, trying to clear it. He liked Kel, it was true, and after that, he wasn't sure if it was in more than a completely friendly way...but it was entirely inappropriate to say so now, he knew.

"It's not entirely your fault that these people died. Maybe it _had _to happen, maybe it was the plan of the Gods or that Chamber. Say you _had _been at Haven. You might have been killed. And what would have happened then? There would have been no one to go after the refugees, and then Blayce would have made more of his metal monsters to come after us. And then more people would have died." Dom offered her a small smile. "You see? So some good _did _come out of it, in the long term."

Kel digested this information, then at last shrugged. "Maybe you're right, Dom." She walked a slight distance away, to where the battered remains of one of the walls, and sat down with her back to it, stretching her legs out in front of her. Dom followed suit. Then Kel spoke again. "Hey, Dom, can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to," she added quietly. When he nodded, she asked, "What was the mistake you made as a commander?"

Dom's face darkened. "So far, I haven't made any big mistakes. I suppose one would have been promoting Symric, but I don't like to speak ill of the dead." Kel nodded. "But since I haven't made any mistakes yet... I'm just worried that people who trust me will die because of me. Not the way some of the refugees died," he said hastily, seeing Kel's face, "But in battle. Against the enemy. You know, one day my men will look to me, and I'll freeze, and not know what to do. And because of me, they'll die."

Sympathy surged through Kel. His fear came eerily close to her experience in the Chamber. She would have liked to tell him so, but since she was forbidden to speak of her experiences in the chamber, Kel said, "So do I. And...maybe some commander's don't _have_ to made mistakes. Like Lord Raoul, or Buri. Maybe you're like one of them."

Dom smiled in gratitude at her, and a contemplative silence passed before Kel changed the subject. "So Dom, why did you actually come to find me? I suppose one of the commanders needs a report or something similar?" Kel raised one eyebrow, sounding more cheerful.

"No, it's because Neal's hair caught fire, so he's currently bald and needs help searching for reversal spells," Dom said sardonically. "The glories of leadership are wonderful, aren't they?" He struggled up, then offered a hand to Kel. She took it, and pulled herself up, grinning. His pulse sped up, and Dom felt that vaguely happy sense at the contact. He groaned inwardly at his own folly. Of all the women to choose, why the one he couldn't get? The Lady Knight would never, in ten lifetimes, think of him that way, he was sure.

He let go of her hand rather reluctantly, feeling the questioning look Kel was shooting at him. "Well, I suppose we'll have to return to Steadfast, then," he told her. "I was just meant to collect you really, so that you could come back and sign the papers for the war mage."

Kel nodded, indicating that Dom should go first. She, however, turned around back to the grave where her soldiers and refugees lay, sending up a prayer for them: that they were happy, wherever they were. She thought of burly Snarlren the carpenter, the supporting Einur, and dedicated Zamiel. Never would the earth see them again, hear their voices again. At last, clear of her conscience, she let her tears fall for them.

Dom walked back to where she was standing, despite her instructions. "You really miss them, don't you?" he asked softly. Kel nodded, wiping her eyes hastily. Dom closed his eyes and he too sent up a brief prayer for them.

Well, if I've ever learnt anything from death, it's that you should do whatever you want to do now, before your chance is gone, he thought to himself. Maybe it's time to put theory into practise. Dom smiled at Kel, her eyes now dry. "Well, Lady Kel, you still have me. And I _am _the most important person there is, after all."

He heard Kel chuckle weakly, then lean gently on him. "Don't be so conceited, lowly Sergeant. Though, maybe if you're lucky, you could be the most important person to _me_." Dom glanced sharply down at her, surprised.

Kel just smiled and nodded. "Well, it would have been really annoying if you hadn't explained what you meant," Dom muttered under his breath, but he couldn't help a wide grin growing across his face. Kel heard him, and seeing the expression on his face, grinned.

"This," she replied, and to Dom's absolute shock and pleasure, leaned up and kissed him.

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A/N: There we go! And I must really demand that you review!

To dreamerdoll and Erkith – added a kiss at the end for you two in this one! Really must thank you and pinky and Fanta for reviewing my fics!

Moon Usagi


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